Wrestling with Pandora’s Box

Hello all you wonderful lovely women, first off I would like to apologise to our regulars for the delay in publishing Lisas story. We had a violent storm up here in the hills last week and it blew my phone lines, tonight is the first night they have been back working sufficiently for me to have internet access. Anyhow enough of that. I am very proud to be able to publish Lisa's story, it is one of real courage and something that has made me stop and think about just being 'stoically accepting' of a bad situation. Read on ladies and don't just sit there....get up off your arses and seize the day!  Best to all of you, Dee.

Wrestling with Pandora’s Box - One Woman’s Words to help you find Hope.

I once had a career and a life in the way most of us understand it. Headlines would be enough:

Young woman makes it through her degree, lands a job, seizes some of the opportunities, progresses and even manages to learn a few things on the way. Takes time off to have a baby - wasn’t enjoying work especially anyway - loved some of the people but..

And then: Terminal diagnosis of High Grade Endometrial Stromal Sarcoma (nope - you probably won’t come across it again). Aged 34 and suddenly I had about 5 months to live the rest of my life. Care plans were ‘palliative’ and they weren't ‘curing cancer’ like the adverts on the telly were saying.

Pandora had just opened her little box and everyone else was now sat on the lid for fear Hope got out. I had a 2 year old and there was no getting my head around it. A bit like Wurzel Gummidge (if you’re old enough) I needed to swap heads to deal with the situation.

So, I started reading.

People performing best in the longevity stats turned out to have ‘fighting spirit’ (Greer, Morris & Pettingale, 1979). I didn’t. I was displaying ‘stoic acceptance’ which had a worse outcome than ‘denial’.

One thing I had already learnt though, was that copying behaviours is a good way to learn them and even eventually to make them your own. So I set about mimicking fighting behaviours - I started asking more troublesome questions. I stopped automatically joining in with the conventional wisdom behind statistics. Outliers are always culled from the statistics anyway. I set out to be one of those - to just last beyond the ‘normal distribution’ to start with.

The signs I might be able to do this, were probably already there but lying  dormant. I’d been recruited to my first job because my personality profile said I was ‘rebellious’ ! (The organisation were looking for culture change.) Now it was time to let my rebel out of the box to deal with all the other shit that had already escaped.

I read outlier’s stories - I started gently - with those who lived a few years, instead of predicted months. I read anything vaguely scientific backing up alternative therapies. I saw anyone I could for more information to nurture this new thinking. I kept reading.

Suddenly Hope was out of the box. She took some nurturing and some absolute leaps of faith but I’m here more than 13 years later to tell another outlier’s tale.

There’s more than I can cover here - I’m half way through writing my cancer story so others are inspired to find their own hope. Writing is my new but probably my final career move. I feel comfortable. I know what I’m doing. I can benefit others while enjoying so many aspects of it.

‘Real Women’s Words’ poses some questions, so I’ll do my best to answer them:

What has your life shown you?

Not to accept anything at face value! - Being open-minded saved my life. And being a bit of a rebel helped because I get a little thrill from being unconventional. 

Question, question, question. Look for different views. Make your own mind up. Herd mentality benefits the herd but not necessarily all individuals. Being the odd one out doesn’t necessarily mean you’re wrong! If you’re fighting for your life, you’re often on your own.

If you’re not what you need to be, fake it till you make it.

If you’re not what you want to be, get on with it now.

And don’t wait to be rescued.

Where have your ambitions and your desires led you?

Up many garden paths! I hadn’t the courage to discover my own ambitions for many years, not that I knew what I wanted. Save one clear one: to be a good Mum. That made my diagnosis all the harder but was the ultimate motivation. My first clear goal was to get my son to school - that meant surviving an unimaginable 3 years. It has shifted now to seeing him to university and beyond.

My desire to give others hope, has finally led me to write. I have had incredible support from my husband Simon, and a number of amazing friends who have known the time would be right one day.

Where do I want to go next?

Carry on writing then write more. And then I want to be read. And when I’m read, I want the reader to know how to find Hope if ever they’ve lost her.

You can follow Lisa’s writing progress on her blog sharingthestoryblog.wordpress.com

Reference: Greer, S., Morris, T. and Pettingale, K.W. (1979). Psychological Response to Breast Cancer: Effect on Outcome.
The Lancet, 314(8146), 785-787.

Good Women

Good Women

My name is Agnes Mbutu I live near to the Drakensburg mountains in South Africa. I am 58 years old, I have given birth to seven children, six of them are living. I work as a cleaner. I work six days of every week. I start work very early in the morning, and I finish late in the evening of every day. On Sunday I go to my church. I do not have holidays, when I am not in work I work for my family at home.
I am I think a very proud woman. I am proud of who I am and I am proud of my country.
Of my six children that are living two of them are twin girls, my eldest son is very ill. He is in a hospital far away. My heart it is very sad that I have not seen him for three weeks now. I do not have money to pay to travel to see him and I cannot be away from work or my whole family will suffer. When I think of him I am very sad.
The places where I clean have many people coming and going, I do my work quickly and I work hard. They do not see me although I am there. If they come in to the places where I am cleaning they act as if I am not there. I clean toilets and bathrooms, shower rooms and laundry rooms. I go from job to job and I clean. Sometimes when I clean people walk all over the floor I have just washed, but I do not say a word, I clean it again and I leave.
One day I was cleaning the shower room and a woman came in as I was about to leave. She stood at the door waiting so I hurried up. As I passed her she looked at me and said 'thank you'. I was very surprised and I looked back at her. She was a white woman, she did not hide her eyes or her stare from me, she looked into my face. I felt that this was a good woman.
The next day this woman came to the shower block to find me. She had a parcel of clothes. She asked me if I would be kind and help her, she did not need these clothes and wanted someone to have them, if I knew anyone who needed them would I please give them away. I could see that the woman was being very kind indeed, she was finding a way to give me the clothes without offending me. I said I would be very glad to help her and then she surprised me again by asking me to wait as she had forgotten something. She ran back to me with more clothes, some of these belonged to her husband and some of them were hers. She had given me things that she still had need of. She told me her name and I told her mine and I told her my story. She said that she would share my story.
The next day it was my turn to look for her. I knew that she would be travelling onwards and I wanted to give her something. I wanted to give her something to remember me and for her to know that I too had something to give. I found her packing away her tent with her husband. I felt very shy but the gift I gave her was a bottle of different coloured sand. These are gifts my daughters make for tourists, they are very pretty and we use the sand near to our home, when we give them we are giving some of our home. They are very important gifts because they are Africa.
The woman took my little sand bottle and she cried and put her arms around me. I was very happy and very shy about this too. She told me I had a beautiful face. She saw me. She was a good woman.

 

Leading Women

Good morning to you all on this gorgeous sunny day! Don't know how it is where you are but today right here the storms have taken themselves off somewhere else. Yesterday was wild and wet, and in the wild wetness I went for a walk with my husband through the quarries. When the wind belted into us we laughed like kids and marvelled at how fabulous it all felt. Sometimes we experience similar stuff in life, the body blows do not make us grin like maniacs, they may make us ultimately stronger but at the time they can reduce us to pulp. Today I am very proud to be able to publish a story from a wonderful woman who has experienced the body blows of life, but instead of them finishing her off she is using them to help other women realise their dreams. This is the story of Laura Locke, University Lecturer from the South of England.

Leading Women by Laura Locke

Back in the 80s, I made a frustrating attempt to balance a career in travel and tourism with childcare, and suffered from discriminatory practice, as I was made redundant from my part-time job with a day’s notice; I subsequently discovered that my job share partner had been given a full time position.

Following divorce I struggled to study towards a drama degree while supporting two young children working, child rearing, studying, with an intention to work in the theatre eventually in some form.  However, I soon found that I could not commit to the regime of late rehearsals, and had to change path, in order to meet the needs of parent-hood.  Although the father and I had joint custody, the responsibilities for after school child-care were mine and I had to accept defeat and transferred to study a literature and media degree, with a research focus on gender and identity in literature and film and I graduated at 40.

Following graduation I worked in the business media, but was drawn back to education as a researcher in online and distance- learning. I undertook a post-graduate teaching qualification and started teaching on HE programmes, specialising in adult learning initially and then in Event and Tourism management. I have recently revisited my passion for the arts, in a MA in Arts Management, and I am now struggling and juggling again, trying to complete my dissertation, whilst in full-time work, with added responsibilities.  My two boys are now grown and one has left home, but as a mother I find it hard to detach from the needs of my offspring, and as is common for older women, there is an aged parent to consider.

But at nearly 60 I am still driving forward and I am currently undertaking research on the topic of Women in Leadership in the Arts.  And it has all come back to me in a flood; my survey of working women in the arts, and the issues they are encountering in the quest to succeed has presented anecdotes of struggles that are so familiar and  I am  full of admiration for the sense of determination, and drive of the women that are talking to me. 

I am now an educationalist in Higher Education, as a course leader on a degree programme which currently supports a high ratio of female students, and I have an opportunity to help and support the raising of aspirations, to assist in the empowerment of young people into management, and to  promote partnership and gender balance in the work-place.  A team of final year degree students are currently project managing a conference to celebrate International Women’s Day on 7^th March 2014 and the business community and sixth form students will be invited to hear a range of inspirational speakers on the topic of ‘Inspiring Change’.  

It is time for women to climb over the obstacles and say ‘yes I can’ rather than be trammelled and tripped up by ‘ifs and maybes’.  To be focused on our goals does not mean that we have to become self-serving or  iron ladies. Emotional Intelligence and empathy are great attributes for effective leaders, and we must learn to drive through barriers and keep our resolve, and draw strength from each other. 

 And for all of you women out there take heart from Laura's story and like Laura and myself on the gorgeous sunny day watch the diva that is Beyonce on the link below.....come on women you can do it....don't ever ever give up.

 

                         http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2I17eFqIdQ

Synchronicity and the power of sharing

Hello and welcome to RealWomensWords and to 2014!

I am truly grateful to 2013, to all I learned and to all that I shared. To start us off this year we have the inspirational wisdom of Anj Handa who reminds us that we need to ensure that we are following our hearts desire. Anj is an amazing woman, you can find out more about Anj at http://about.me/anjhanda

You can comment on Anj's story below and keep the conversation going, you can also send me your story to publish and you can tell your women friends too.

Synchronicity and the power of sharing

I came across Dr Dee Gray in mid December 2013, through an exchange on Twitter. I believe in synchronicity, not chance, so when Dee asked me to tell my story or, as she says ‘share my toys’ on her Real Women’s Words blog, I was more than happy to oblige. It seems appropriate to share my story of transformation today, 2^nd January 2014, having set my intentions under the New Year New Moon.

My shift started around my birthday at the end of August 2012, when an Associate position with a client that went against my values ended and I lost a friend through suicide. My bereavement was a huge shock and although I had sent out a tender, at the time I had no immediate source of alternative income. To say I was at a low ebb would be a massive understatement.

On 2^nd September 2012, to keep my mind occupied, I started to dig in my garden, despite the blazing sun. As I dug, a robin flew down and perched a metre away from me and watched me for five minutes before flying off. I felt a sense of calm, as if it had brought a message of reassurance from my friend that everything would be OK.

Sure enough, on 5^th September, I heard that my tender was successful and that was the start of a new client relationship that continues to this day. Over the next ten months, I continued to work hard, yet as I approached my next birthday I began to reflect and admitted to myself that I wasn’t fulfilling my heart’s desire.

The only problem was, at the time, I didn’t know what that was or how to go about identifying it! I began to read voraciously. Three books have particularly informed my decision to move towards building a more heart-centred business. These are ‘Daring Greatly’ by Brené Brown; ‘The Celestine Prophecy’ by James Redfield and ‘Know Me, Like Me, Follow Me: What Online Social Networking Means for You’ by Penny Power.

Cue also a synchronistic series of events, some of which are still unfolding and will be covered in a later blog. All I will say is that some inspirational, respected and supportive women have re-entered my life and have supported me both personally and professionally as I started my journey to identify my calling.

I am clear now that my passion lies in empowering girls and women through building resilience, improving their life chances through better education and healthcare and tackling gender-based violence. I have been working on a series of workshops and articles to facilitate this and have also begun dialogue with a number of NGOs and other support organisations.

I’m hugely excited about 2014 and look forward to ‘sharing my toys’ with this supportive global community. In the words of Dr B.J. Palmer “You never know how far-reaching something you think, say or do today, will affect the lives of millions tomorrow.”

Share your toys....................

You know there is a lot of stuff in the media today about workforce engagement, and how as a nation, a human nation, we are killing ourselves with deadlines fuelled by fear of not having any work. We chase, we pursue, we often push others out of the way just to keep the fear at bay. 

For some years now I have been banging on about doing things differently, I have tried, and failed many times, to get people to 'share your toys.'

Sometimes the glimmer of times gone by ignites the memory of doing just that and people stop pushing and shoving and give someone else a helping hand. Sometimes all I get is the blank stare of 'what is in it for me', and when I get this I know that this person or this group of people have forgotten what it is to not have someone pushing and shoving them around.

Nearly five years ago I set up a collaborative called 'The Coaching Network', this group  functions on reciprocity or 'sharing of toys'. We don't make money on each other, we work with others collaboratively, we exchange our skill set and resources (our toys) with others so that everyone feels like they have taken part. Over five years the group has grown in size but is still fairly small, but small is better than none and each member knows that when they join they have to start to think differently about the bigger picture and perhaps how they can play a different part.

Every person that joins the group is welcomed in by being accorded a musical instrument from the 'sorting hat'. I do this because I see the whole of the group as an orchestra, that we are reliant on each other and that ultimately there are no virtuosos just a whole load of people who rely on each other.
It is this reliance on each other that made me think about us women, and how traditionally we have been the glue in society by providing the connecting links between families and community. We still do that but we also take this part of ourselves into work too, we organise the work parties, we know when our colleagues birthday is, we can tell when someone needs some support and are in like 'Flynn' to put that arm around a colleague that is struggling. Of course we have our reverse side too, being human means we can also be horrible but on the whole I believe womankind see the connectedness and support the connectedness in all things.
As this year comes to a close I hope that you 'share your toys' and think more about how what you do and what you don't do affects others. As far as this blog goes your 'toys' are your stories and I hope you continue to share your wisdom with me and all the other women out there. We all need to stay connected and learn from each other....and in the spirit of sharing have a listen to this...and share....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YP_hsXJcbVw

Come and join us on The Coaching Network too, you don't have to be a coach but you do have to share.

http://tinyurl.com/9r3jrpr

Much love 

Dee

The Importance of being

Hello and good afternoon on this gorgeous Wintery day. Today's posting has been sent in by Carole Hamilton, Carole contacted me to say she would like to share a profound learning experience with all of you and hopes that you learn from what she now knows.



The Importance of being Caroll

I would like to begin by telling you I have no idea as to why I believed I wasn't even worth the cost of a roll of toilet paper but it was true. Nobody had actually said as much to me but it to me it was self evident. Please notice I say was not is. My lack of concern for my health, and my hit and miss attitude to food was awful. Eating some days, not on others and carelessly ignoring the signs that my body (in particular my digestive system) was struggling.
All of this changed when aged 51 I had to undergo surgery for which I had no option. Years of poor eating habits had taken their toll. The morning after the operation I was desperately trying to go to the toilet, the pain was excruciating and I cried. I cried not just for the pain but for the fact that all of this could have been avoided if I had shown Caroll some respect and taken the time to cook for myself, to sleep, to exercise, to be careful with myself. 
I am hopeful for a recovery in the next 2 - 4 weeks not just from the surgery but by taking time to sort out the mess I have made of things.
Over the coming months I will continue to care for myself. So far I have made my kitchen a place to store and cook delicious food, it is no longer the room where you can't find ingredients because I didn't buy them or simply a place where I keep 'stuff' that I don't know how to use.
I am going to cookery classes too, I am learning to get past the 'burn it throw it out' stage to 'oh, that has worked and I can eat it' and soon I will be at the 'wonder what that will taste like if I add that stage'.
The biggest change though has come not just with the physical healing from surgery and the emotional/mental healing from learning to love food it has come by realising that by doing these things I am learning to love Caroll. Caroll now understands that she is worth the cost of toilet rolls because you get only get out what you put in.......and just like the toilet metaphor I put very little into being Caroll so very little came out.



I would like to add to Caroll's story by posting you the link to this tune.....I think you might all agree that this is how we should all feel about ourselves.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BoMKrlzrag