You have no power over me

Following yesterday's blog post I received this story from a young woman, she has asked me to post it up for her. Perhaps you can comment on her story below and share what you have learned from giving and then taking back your power.

 

 

You have no  power over me.

 

Being relatively young my loves and loses are few and have been less serious that a lot of the people I ask advice from, my mother, aunties, father and friends.

My little heart has taken a few beatings. I've been caught up with people who have done me no good. I've watched people self destruct, become victims to vanity and drugs and felt completely heart broken at not fitting the mould that what i felt like was 'the perfect woman', and in turn the perfect girlfriend. 

The most hurtful thing anyone said to me was that "they wanted to settle down and get married, and I just wasn't the girl they wanted to do that with". I spiralled, getting sadder and sadder that no matter how I behaved that I was never going to be good enough for anyone.

I stopped eating, I would take laxatives and self harmed. It was easier for me to understand the physical pain of heartbreak than try and confront the notion mentally. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of thinking that it didn't matter.

One day I saw the light, me and the bad man who had told me that i was not enough for him, who had cheated and treated me badly throughout the year we were together asked me to come round. Naively i went, I hadn't seen him in a year or so, and i couldn't help myself. 

I stayed in his bed, but the more he spoke the more disgusted I was with him. He made moves to have me again, but unlike before, where i had been weak and had so little self worth that I had given in, I said no. 

The no that issued from my mouth felt empowering, I felt new, I felt healed and I felt strong again and I left.

I was reminded of labyrinth, with the heroin reaching her destination, overcoming all obstacles and fighting hard battles to save her brother, but also coming of age in the journey. When she is offered what she has always wanted, she finally realises, that that fantasy, is no longer a good thing, no longer real.

"You have no power over me".

I felt that. I felt that, finally no-one would have that power over me. I was no longer shackled to some idealistic fantasy, and i didn't want to chase something that was not mine.

As i sit writing this, I am healing from a relationship, but a relationship that has been good, loving and deeply happy, I needed that bad man, to show me how strong I am, to find someone who did treat me with all the love and kindness that I deserved. 

The experience, with a bad man taught me, that no matter how much you might want something, or someone, you can always take strength, maturity and do whats best for you, putting your feelings aside and objectively looking at a situation, you can command to be treated with respect and dignity. 

The pain I went through was necessary, and there are days where i still wonder what might have been, with each lover i've had.

But I know, in my heart of hearts, whoever is lucky enough to share my mind, my body and my soul, will never treat me like that again. And I don't hate the bad man, in fact I wish him luck and hope he is well, I hope that he learnt as much as I did about relationships and respect.

I hope that anyone who reads my story, who has felt as though they have been chasing air and smoke, are strong enough to stop running, are strong enough to give up and be selfish enough to fall in love with themselves and realise their self worth, beauty and strength. You are good enough, and if someone can't see that, they will never be enough for you.